#BlogElul 7: Be

Be the change you want to see in the world.

To be or not to be, that is the question.

Be all that you can be!

Doing is not always being.  We all know people who do all the right things; follow all the tenants of their faith, are law abiding in civil society; and yet there is something that doesn't feel right.  It’s as if all that doing has not penetrated into their souls.

Yesterday’s word was DO, and I read several posts that referenced na’aseh v'nishmah, "We will do and we will obey." That doing the mitszot often comes first and then the understanding and being will follow.  But that doesn't always happen.  There are times when we do things, and either they have never spoken to our heart, or we do them by rote after all this time and the meaning behind them is lost.  Doing isn't enough.  There’s has to be a purpose, a being to our being.  

#BlogElul 6: Do

What do you do when your brain won’t let you do what you need to do?

There are things that I have to do today.  I woke up this morning determined to do things.  I was out the door before 9 to start doing all those things that I needed to get done.  Up to the college campus to see if I could talk to the department chair about teaching in the Fall.  Back down the hill to my mom’s house to help her as she is laid up after her foot surgery.  Then I would be able to get signs up for tutoring to see about getting private students.  Stop at the store and do the shopping while putting up signs and then home to work on my Babka. 

Just walking out the door I could feel the anxiety building up in me.  It’s hard to describe what a full blown anxiety attack is like.  I have often tried, and the best I have come up with is it’s a lot like what I understand a migraine headache is like, but in the brain rather the physical headache pain.  Every new sound, every new thought, every new sensory input makes me feel more and more flustered and frustrated.

There are times when we want to do it all, we have out lists ready of all the things that we want/need to get done.  But that may not be what is needed of us that day.  I still feel the anxiety in me right now, but I know that right now I need to slow down and not try to do too much.

#BlogElul 5: Know

Knowing is something that I feel safe with.  What do I know?  What don’t I know?  What can I know?  What do I need to know?

Having spent the majority of my life in academia, knowing and knowledge has been central to how I see and interact with the world.  Some of my earliest and fondest memories are about being taught, over many years, how to look words up in the dictionary. 

My parents did not baby-talk to me when I was young, so I was often confronted with words that I didn’t know or understand.  At first my parents would define them for me, but as I got older I was told to, “Look it up in the dictionary.” 

“But I don’t know how to spell it,” would be my almost constant reply.  At first I would be given the first three or four letters, and then slowly I was taught how to sound it out and search in the dictionary.  Don’t give up if you can’t find the word right away.  Was that a ‘c’ or an ‘s’, and ‘i’ or an ‘e’, and yes there are annoying silent letters, like psychiatrist, or letters that don’t sound like you expect, like that phase that English goes through with ‘ph’. 

I will tell you right now, if it wasn’t for spell-check I would still be doomed to getting back papers that dripped with the blood of many dead pens at all the things I spelled wrong when I rushed too much.  But given time, even back in the dark days of handwritten papers, I knew how to look up words. 

Learning was not just important, but vital, to my sense of being.

                   I have always wanted to KNOW all that can be KNOWN.

That which is UNKNOWN to me fills me with the desire to KNOW more.

But there is that which is truly UNKNOWABLE, beyond all human KNOWLEDGE and understanding.

That last bit is what has often been scary to me.  I think that, really without knowing it, I had for a long time believed in the ‘God of the Gaps’ idea.  That if I kept working to know more and more I would know enough to get ahold of, to KNOW G*d.  This is the idea that we can find and prove G*d.   And if we can’t, then is there really a G*D?

But does this fit with the fact that we don’t even know the name of G*d?

I have read and heard many different translations of how G*d name him/her/itself in the burning bush, but I think the one I liked best was what I heard Dr. Avivah Zornberg give (http://www.onbeing.org/program/exodus-cargo-hidden-stories/96) :

Ehyeh-Asher-Ehyeh, and literally it just means, I will be who I will be. …God is being evasive. God is saying, I'm not giving you a handle. You want a handle of some kind to hold on to, to say, "Now I've got him." That's a name. And instead he answers, "I am the very principle of becoming, of allowing the possible to happen."

And that led me on to words of Abraham Joshua Heschel:

to become aware of the ineffable is to part company with words...the tangent to the curve of human experience lies beyond the limits of language. the world of things we perceive is but a veil. It’s flutter is music, its ornament science, but what it conceals is inscrutable. It’s silence remains unbroken; no words can carry it away. Sometimes we wish the world could cry and tell us about that which made it pregnant with fear--filling grandeur.
Sometimes we wish our own heart would speak of that which made it heavy with wonder.

To let go, and know that there are there in fact things that I will not know, cannot know, will never know, maybe not even when my spirit returns to the Eternal.

#BlogElul 4: Accept

I had an instant reaction when I read the word for today, “I accept nothing.” 

This feeling that accepting is somehow giving in.   

Then I stopped and took a breath and realized that while that may be my first, visceral reaction it is not completely true.  I do accept a lot of things.  Some of them I have learned I have to accept even though I don’t want to, and some I accept even though I shouldn't.

There is a prayer that we all know, and because of that we tend to blow off, but I had heard Krista Tippet’s show on Reinhold Niebuhr, which first aired back in 2005, and so for a long time I had been carrying around this interpretation based on how Paul Elie talked about it.

I had not realized that this was a prayer handed out to the troops in World War II, or even that Reinhold Niebuhr had written it.  And really it is such a deep prayer when you look at it. 

There are things that need to be fought against; all the injustices that are in the world that we need courage to stand up to.  But there are things that we can never change, and learning to accept, let alone accepting with serenity, is very hard.  And, as Niebuhr points out in this prayer, being able to tell the difference between what to accept and what to work to change is sometimes a tricky proposition.

So learning to accept, and knowing what to accept.  That I need help with.

#BlogElul 3: Bless

My mom had bunion surgery (big toe and "pinky" toe) on her right foot today.  I was trying to think, last night and all the way down to Los Angeles today how I could write about “Bless.”  As I was waiting for Mom to come out of recovery I was thinking about how hard it was for me when I had foot surgery, and how you don’t realize how good things are till you lose them for awhile.

Now, I want to make clear that I am not talking about that, “Well at least you aren't a blind, deaf, mute, paralyzed beggar in India… who are you to complain?”  I have heard people use that as a way of saying that it could be worse, but to me if you have to reach that low to make your life not that bad, then, my friend, it is that bad. 

What I am talking about is realizing the things that you have that you are blessed with that you take for granted.  Like when you have a head cold and you all of a sudden realize how much of a blessing it is to breathe through your nose.  When you have surgery on your feet, all of a sudden every step is a blessing.   This made me think of what I heard Rabbi Sharon Brous say in an interview with Kirsta Tippet that first aired back in 2007.

And what Heschel says to us is, 'Look at the presents, like figure out what you do have. Look at the world with awe and wonder, and the amazing miracle that your skin holds the blood inside your body.' You know, that nature works the way that it works, that the world is as extraordinary as it is 

The closest actual quote from Rabbi Herchel I could find was this:

Our goal should be to live life in radical amazement. ....get up in the morning and look at the world in a way that takes nothing for granted. Everything is phenomenal; everything is incredible; never treat life casually. To be spiritual is to be amazed.” 
― Abraham Joshua Heschel

It's hard to remember sometimes, but Life is a blessing.  And we should remember to thank G*d every day for that blessing.  For the blessing of being alive, and breathing and walking.

#BlogElul 2: Act

Back in 2001/2002, right after I came back to California from Texas I was struggling with my Bi-Polar and ended up in the Hospital twice.  Neither of these were full hospitalizations, it was more like Adult Day Care for crazy people.  We would check in at 8:30, we did arts and crafts, got lunch, did meditation and had story, sorry learning time, and then we went home.

It was actually very good, St Joseph’s used Dialectic Behavior Therapy, which is designed for people with Borderline Personality Disorder, but as a variant of behavior modification is very good for a lot of different people.   

There are two things from then that have really stuck with me.  The first was that moods tend to feed themselves.  When you are depressed every fiber in you works to keep you depressed, and when you are manic you want nothing that might slow you down.  To counter this, you have to act as if you weren’t. 

When you are depressed; get up, get dressed, eat breakfast, get out of the house.  Act as you would if you weren’t depressed.  It may not work, but the more things you do to act not depressed, the better chance you have to get past the depression. 

Acting not manic is a little harder.  The big one there, for me, is when people tell me that they see me getting manic to take time to stop and breath.  A good friend used to tell me to, “take ten” when I get frantic.  I would go and sit and concentrate on just breathing for 10 minutes.  That is not one that is easy for me to do, but it helps break the runaway manic.

 There are times when I question everything; I think we all have those times.  When people tell me, "Just have faith," that tends to annoy me.  However, when someone tells me, "Try and see doing it makes the feeling follow," that feels more natural to me.

Elul 1: Prepare #BlogElul

So, in true academic fashion, I felt the need to analyze the word first.

          Origin of Pre

                   Latin prae-, from prae in front of, before 

          Origin of Pare

from Latin parare to prepare, acquire; akin to Latin parere to give birth to, produce, Greek porein to give, present, Sanskrit prnāti he gives

Always love the self-reference (at some point I will have to do a riff on my favorite mathematical seemingly circular definition), but other than that I can go with a couple of different ways of looking at the word prepare.  The one that really speaks to me, especially in PREPARING for the Rosh HaShana is “before giving birth to.”

OK, so that’s an interesting one to latch onto, so let me explain why that is the one that works for me.

When I first started thinking about the upcoming High Holy Days my first thought went to what thinks I want to cook.  Over the last year I have been getting better and better at making Challah, and I made a round Apple Honey Challah for St. Michael’s Episcopal Church’s homecoming to their building.  So, top of my list for the new year is the round Challah.  Next on my list is a recipe that I just found for Babka, which is a bread/desert bread that I discovered at a Kosher Deli in Manhattan, I wish I could give them credit them, all I remember was they were Upper West Side somewhere along Amsterdam.

Breads are things that take a lot of work to do, and if you don’t do the work “before giving birth to” them, they don’t come out right at all. 

First you have to clean the countertops so that you have room to work, and they are free of any contaminants.  I love the counters in the kitchen in my house here; my mom did a great job with them.  Marble countertops are so great to work on.  There are no bug issues here, so it’s mainly putting everything that has accumulated on the horizontal surface (as will happen) and then wiping off the dust (the one major downside of living in the desert and having dogs running in and out of the house).  Fortunately my dogs are small so dog hair on the counters is not a major issue.

Next, have to get the ingredients together.  If you don’t have enough yeast, or flour, or butter, or eggs when you start mixing, you will have to restart from scratch.  Bread is not something that you can stop in the middle and run to the store to get that “one thing” you forgot.  Now the additions; the apples or honey, or chocolate; you can go get those, but then you are rushed, and I have noticed that the texture of the bread I make really is affected by the temperament I am in when I make it.

Making bread, for me, has become a very meditative experience.  I don’t have a bread machine, I tried that when I was younger and I have found that while it’s not bad bread, it’s not what I want for homemade bread.  There is something not homemade about dropping all the ingredients into a machine, turning it on, and walking away.  I also don’t have a mix-master right now.  Every time I go to my mom’s I will admit that I do indulge in a little bit of coveting about her Kitchen Maid mixer with the bread hook, but for now that is just a dream in my kitchen.  So, I end up making bread the “old fashioned” way. 

I have never been good at sitting and meditating, my mind wanders off and schooling my mind to stay in the meditation gets frustrating and makes it not a happy and restful experience.  But when I am mixing and kneading bread I find that I am able to let my mind wander and follow ideas without the guilt I tend to impose on myself in sitting meditation.

Time is built into bread making.  After mixing and kneading all the ingredients you have to let the bread rest and rise, then shape it and let it rest and rise again.  In making the Challah and Babka for Rosh HaShana I will be putting the braided and twisted loafs in the freezer and then bringing out for the final rise, which takes at least 5 hours before putting in the oven.  All of that time adds to the flavor to the bread.  Those times that I have tried to rush the bread it comes out too heavy and lacks flavor. 

So I will take time to prepare myself and my bread for the New Year.   

Trying something new. #BlogElul

Since I got back from New York I have been investigating Judaism.  Now this may seem a bit strange to some of my family and friends.  I mean, yes, we all know that Margo went bonkers and ran off to New York and married Abraham Issac, but that was just post Grad-School craziness.  But now she's back in California so that's all over now, right?

Actually, I am more interested in investigating it now, where I am not fighting all the ghosts that, unfortunately, were all around me in New York.  I started attending services with the  Temple Beth Torah which holds their services at the base chapel.  My first service was Yom Kippur last year, I actually did the fasting for most of the 26 hours.  I have really felt so welcome, and there is something that has really touched me in both the service and the self study that I have been doing.  I have also been going, off and on to the services at the St. Michael's Episcopal Church with my mom, but as more time has gone on I have found myself less and less able to take communion, and even doing the second readings, the Epistles, makes me feel uncomfortable.  

The congregation up here is small, and has a student rabbi that comes up once a month, and for the High Holidays, during the school year.  So a lot of my study has had to be on my own.  I was doing research this weekend on how to prepare for the upcoming Jewish New Year.  I knew this from listening an interview Krista Tippet did on "Speaking of Faith"(now called "On Being") first aired on September 6, 2007 called "Days of Awe" that the month before Rosh HaShana you are supposed to do mental preparation, but was not at all sure how to go about this.

As is often the way of the internet, and meme on Facebook leads to one page which references another page which finally leads to either something wonderful or something absolutely terrifying.  In this case it lead to something amazing.  From a Facebook post from The Union of Reform Judaism, I went to a page of ReformJudaism.org, and from there I found the blog of Phyllis Sommer, in particular about the upcoming month of Elul.

I am going to try to do as much of this as I can.  Pictures, writing, art, not sure how all of this will be, but it should be interesting.  I look forward to getting feedback from anyone who reads this, especially as I am very new on this path.

Margo Grace Carr

#BlogElul     #Elulgram

What to do?

I am still getting settled in the house here in Ridgecrest, and trying to get my legs under me.  I talked with my brother today, and he suggested that in addition to my tutoring I look into the websites that sell worksheets to teachers and to home schoolers.  My sister-in-law sells stuff through http://www.teacherspayteachers.com, and so I will look at that, and I will also see what is out there for selling to home school parents.  I am ordering my business cards today, so I will be able to put those out around town, as well as flyers and ads in the swap sheet again.
Main thing right now is to keep plugging along.

And so it begins.

After moving back to Ridgecrest from the Bronx I have had a lot of time to think about who I am and how I have ended up in the position of being 46, almost 47, and back living under the care of my mother.  It can be hard to hold onto feelings of autonomy and “adultness” in this situation.  I know that that can make me bitchy at times, and it is easy for me to feel under attack at times, but I am doing my best to maintain the balance of doing things for my mom and her husband, my step-dad John. 

What I am planning to do here is take my daily experiences, personal musings about my life, the things that I hear on the news, and the things that I encounter on Facebook, and try and develop stories that are interesting enough for other people to read and comment on.  This is not something that I have ever done before, but with the time that I have on my hand, and all of the things going on in my head, I hope that this will be interesting to others as well as being cathartic for me.

As people comment on things that they read here, I ask that you remember that we all have feelings and vulnerability.  It is possible for people to disagree without descending into ad-hominem attacks.  I will be discussing things that I feel are important and touch me deeply.  This can be everything from observations on the dynamics of the dogs in my house, to gay and women’s rights, foreign policy, and whatever else strikes my fancy.

So here we go.

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